Emptiness.

Just takes the life away from you.

Feeling absolutely gutted and disappointed in myself. I can't believe I actually fell asleep and didn't put in the effort to set an alarm clock in case I don't wake up on time. It is these kinds of moments that I know I seriously need to get my life back in order: to sleep on time at midnight, and get up early in the morning to start the day strong. Instead of doing that, my sleep cycle is so screwed up I sleep in through the day. This then snowballed.

Time is something which you can't get back, once its lost. I only have to make up for the time lost, and keep improving. Being impulsive, trying to do stupid things just to prove a point is not the way to go, and I don't want to disappoint others by doing so, because it's just plain stupid. Escaping and avoiding the real issue of the lack of discipline will not solve any of my issues. I need prayer and God more than ever now. I seem to have spiralled down further, moving away further from God. I am angry at myself. I need to pray.



Forgive me.

halfway a doc

It's nearing Christmas, and today's my last day at my dad's place for the year. I won't be seeing my dad for the next 7 months, as my next visit will be during summer. I'm sitting diagonally opposite my mum at the dining table, both of us looking intently at the screen before us. She's enjoying a new Korean drama series introduced to her by my Taiwanese cousin, while I, sipping my cup of water and penning down a blog post. Bliss. 

I've completed half of medical school, the easier half I would say. The next segment of my training will be tougher and definitely a notch more challenging. It'll require extra consistency, and a solid foundation of the basic sciences. Knowledge acquired will have to be integrated and applied to ensure that I can produce the best management plan and patient care. Sounds daunting, doesn't it? The vast information learned will have to be internalised and processed to churn out the best patient care plan. It takes plenty of preparation. 台上一分鐘～台下十年功. 

Great pink run 2012

When a classmate of mine informed me about a 5km charity run for breast cancer, I decided that I would want to take part in it, as firstly, it's for a good cause, and secondly, it was good exercise as well. There were over 3000 participants in the run, including from young families with really young kids to those women who have been victims of the devastating disease. All dressed in pink, we were ready to embark on a journey of creating an awareness for breast cancer in Ireland. 

I grabbed my green sling bag, which i received as a completion gift at a previous Great Ireland Run event earlier this year, and placed all my valuables and accessory clothings in it. Tightening the shoelaces, pinning up the bib number tag onto the shirt, I was all ready and warmed up for the run. As the run began, I slowly picked up the pace, trying to keep at a comfortable pace, while overtaking slower participants (many have chosen to walk instead). I clinged onto my bag straps, which rubbed against my clavicles, to ensure the bag doesn't swing side to side as I ran. As I realised that running without my arms freely swinging wasn't the best way to maintain a good stride, I attempted to along the bag to swing. Wasn't the best idea. The bag swayed left and right, and I was worried that it would come off, so I decided to keep it held on with my hands. 

As I struggled to maintain a decent pace, it suddenly struck me that the bag somehow felt like a cross that was taken up, and it slowed me down, and became a burden. I looked at other participants, freely using their arms to maintain momentum and stride, and wondered how comfortable it would be to not carry a bag to run. "Oh, I do somewhat regret for bringing a bag along", I thought to myself. However, seconds later, I began to appreciate that I was certain my belongings were with me as I ran. I realised that as we carry our cross on our backs and walk the journey with God, we often would look at others and see how freely and comfortable they are without the cross. The burden is there, and we have to carry it ourselves. We may have restrictions and laws that we have to abide by, but we are certain that God is with us, and that He will provide. As much as we envy the worldly things that people possess, we know with a steadfast assurance that God will provide the best for us.

It was overall a relaxing and lovely run, enjoying the cool breeze and the occasional drizzle, and being inspired by the people who took a step out to support the research for breast cancer.

My ordeal after shanghai

Visiting my dad was an experience never felt before. Not once in my life before did I have a parent based overseas for work. It was heartening to see him. Coping well was his silent message to us, and he reassured us that he will survive this challenge. And I know he will.

And I came back to Singapore. The things I have planned and envisioned to do. Not accomplished. Instead I was bed-ridden, kept within the boundaries of the gate. Determined to rest and recover fast. It didn't happen. My fever kept pressing on. 38.6 deg C on a thermometer I dug out. Then it was above 39 deg C. I knew I had to see a doctor. So I went to see a GP nearby my place, and was given metronidazole and anarex, amongst the other anti-diarrhoea medications. Then it became worse. I lost my appetite from the side effects of metronidazole. I felt so weak from anarex. I didn't know when I will recover. My head continued throbbing, pounding every second as my heart pumps the blood to my brain. I was in constant pain. I couldn't think properly.

On sunday night, I dragged my feet to the A&E and had a chest x-ray, blood test, and an IV drip done. My temperature was measured at 39 deg C. After waiting for a total of 6 hours, with emotional support from my mother's cell group, I was discharged from A&E after being told that it was probably a viral infection that lead to my condition and a low white cell count, and prescribed me 7 days worth of anarex. The MO told me to get my bloods checked again on tuesday, which was possibly the turning point in my journey to recovery.

I decided to see a gastroenterologist, as my initial problem may have been caused by the diarrhoea. So I figured maybe a doctor specialising in this field would know more. Indeed I wasn't mistaken. She said a fever for over week shouldn't be viral, but something else, and started suspecting typhoid fever when I told her my history. Typhoid fever is caused by the bacteria salmonella typhi, and is usually ingested through unhygienic food. It is usually not fatal, but can cause plenty of distress. I was given a NSAID to lower my temperature immediately, and had my bloods and urine sent for tests. The complete result from the tests would only be made known the day after. So I was sent home with ofloxacin, a floroquinolone that has multiple bactericidal effects. I was instructed, that if I continued having diarrhoea, I have to be admitted and placed under drip to hasten the recovery process. And I thought, not hospitalisation. That would mean escalating costs, and additional risks, despite the said benefits.

So I've been on the road to recovery, not completely yet, but surely. I have faith in my doctor and in the Lord's healing. The body's set core temperature has been going down, so I've been resting, and giving up many other pleasures of life to ensure that my health is in good shape.

i came out feeling a little dejected today. i wish I could be more focused, smarter, and better at comprehension. Being productive is clearly a boon. But I believe hard work can overcome it, and with more practice, focus, intelligence will improve. so i should be comforted shouldnt i?

time management is another thing. to stick to plans for studying. SO DIFFICULT TO JUST STICK TO IT. tendency to procrastinate is so great. maybe I need to just stay away from the computer for a while..and let only notes and books set themselves in sight and within reach.

exams in 8 days! gogogo!

sermon today mentioned that love is not about feelings, but is a decision, and requires sacrifice.

after reading a letter from a friend, with the question, why me?, i couldn't come up with an exact answer on the spot, but a feeling inside me knows of the desire. in life there are so many uncertainties. sometimes too many that we just feel so out of control. but when i take a second look at it, there are ways to work it out. these ways may seem difficult and often unlikely in our current situation, but placing myself in the future, it might not be such a tough measure afterall. the intimidating foresight of the future could be a stumble-block of what is happening now. fear can be a strong motivator (quote from tv series 'dexter').

we live in a world surrounded with fear. fear of death, fear of insufficient means, fear of ill health, fear of the boundless uncertainties. our desire to be in control seems not so plausible in light of such fears.

so we must have faith. know why we make certain decisions for. evaluate them. understand them. and listen to the heart. why me? can be a straightforward question, or it can be a question that stops one in one's track, pausing for a second thought.

i commit this burden to the Lord. may He continue to protect, and provide His abundant grace. God's timing is perfect, and He is in control, not me. so i shall pray, and let God be the judge, for He is my creator and the all-powerful king that controls the stars and the seas.


this christmas period didn't exactly felt like christmas. but im really grateful for my family gatherings, to know who are the ones that i should truly treasure.

it just feels like i'm chasing behind you. with all the delays and trouble. my only venture nearer to you, only to realise you have journeyed further away.

like what i told jeff. the weather can be generally predictable with science, but the weather can never be controlled by man.

Am i letting this stress take over? it doesn't feel that scary, but deep down inside, i know the adrenaline rush is heightening my ability to absorb information, preparing me for battle.

the work doesn't seem to end. the preparation never finding its way to the end.


i just don't feel prepared.


and i don't seem to want it arriving. for that means judgement. i would have to come to terms with whatever result i get, and the hope and eagerness to do well would face its reality. but time doesn't stop, and we would have to keep going.

a simple reminder

Lately I have found myself to be reluctant to study, revise, and to process the information learnt. I have avoided my revision schedule, and have fallen back on my work. Work has not been productive. And I know I need to improve.

And when I did my daily devotion today. I was reminded that we need to DO, and not just HEAR the Word. The creation of a beautiful garden is inspirational, but without perspiration, the beautiful garden would not become reality. This is very true and very relevant to everything in life, especially to the work I'm shunning away. The Christians that marvel and felt inspired by testimonies and uplifting music in church, but walk out of church having trouble finding time or difficulty making effort to follow through, James described them as being like those who look in a mirror, see themselves, but do nothing to fix what is wrong (James 1:23-24).

And to end of the daily bread's message for the devotion, 'Life works best when we do'.

That is what I'm going to carry out tomorrow onwards.